USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen