COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie