If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.