if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Someone just threatened to call me later
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.