“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The honesty is refreshing
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.