Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Breaking news:
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities