Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.