My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar