Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
yeah 😭
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …