God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH