You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto