[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
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I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Breaking news:
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors