I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
#JohnTravolta
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
This hospital has everything
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.