me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
thank god
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.