I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.