Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Hell yeah 👍
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*