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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.