Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.