Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people