Every time.
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!