Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club