weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.