Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”