Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*