Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Hamburger Hinderer.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Cheer up.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”