Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
lmao
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹