Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
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What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
👾👾👾
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Poetry is my passion
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.