When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
ok this is my dumbest yet
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
He loved it so much he walked himself up.