Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety