Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
What flavor cupcake are these
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
This guy gets it.