*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
What a kind woman! 😂😂
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be