“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Can. I. Help. You.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Duolingo getting serious.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme