Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.