[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
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Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?