I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm