Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
You Might Also Like
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.