A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Saturday
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
is this store having a stroke wtf
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?