The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*