My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Message from the dog groomers
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package