I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I have never heard an armadillo before.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*