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[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.