[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen