My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
At least my masseuse has my back.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.