I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
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Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.