wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
You Might Also Like
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy