If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Did I do this right
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Meme Monday.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
This is a bad sign
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.