My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
All generalizations are stupid.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Jupiter
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.