Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?