everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on