Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
mood
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
lmao
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!